Confessions: What Really Happened Last Night

You know how I said I wasn’t hungry when I got home from work yesterday, so I didn’t have dinner right away? Well, that was true and fine, but I didn’t get into what happened after I came home, and the effects of my decisions. Hang on, this is a long one. Feel free to grab some coffee before we start.

I was still full from my lunch and afternoon latte to really want food. And since I was planning a big weekend, I wanted to run to Whole Foods and Target for some supplies. So I grabbed Squish and my shopping list and headed out.

You will see that the first bad decision was taking a hungry toddler grocery shopping with no snacks or dinner planned. Stupid. My other bad decision was for ME to go grocery shopping with no snacks or dinner planned.

Halfway through Whole Foods we were in meltdown mode, so I hastily grabbed a Larabar off the shelf and fed it to him in the store. I’m sure every parent in history has done this, but it was the first time I had ever eaten (or fed someone) something before I paid for it. It was a really weird experience for me.

At the time Squish was calming down, I noticed I started getting sort of dizzy and weak, a sure sign my blood sugar was low and I needed to eat. Into the cart came the snacks I probably wouldn’t have purchased if I was full and satisfied. In the bakery they had these what I would call “kitchen sink” bars. I thought they would be your typical oatmeal-nuts-coconut-chocolate chip sort of treat and in my fuzzy hunger state figured that would be a sort of okay option in the short term. OMG, it was soooooo sweet. I don’t think Squish even liked it, he took a couple pieces and sort of set them aside. But I just snarfed it before I even realized what was happening. Ooh, my teeth hurt just remembering it.

Then we got home and after dealing with a cranky, hungry toddler through two stores during the evening rush, I was spent. “Dinner” consisted of me throwing some baby carrots and tortilla chips (more evidence of don’t-shop-while-hungry) at Squish while  I put our purchases away. I was flustered while trying to bake the chocolate pumpkin loaf because he was “helping” me the entire time and I was less than humored about it. Bedtime was swift and unpleasant.

Then I turned on Netflix. And had a glass of wine. And another. Then I finally felt hungry, but it was more the wine talking. Too lazy to make real food, I snacked on chips and salsa, then made an easy quesadilla – two flour tortillas with cheese melted in the microwave. Then I had another. Then I had the last tortilla wrapped around cheese. I ate five tortillas and who knows how much cheese for “dinner”. I was just bingeing because I was tipsy, tired, and alone watching TV.

I didn’t realize how much sugar I had yesterday until I started reviewing my food while blogging this morning. I didn’t mention the half pumpkin cream cheese muffin I found in the break room yesterday morning (The frosting was nasty – I know, right? – so I only at the muffin part. But still.), or that my pumpkin spice latte wasn’t customized at all – the full milk, sugar, and whipped cream shebang. Then there was the kitchen sink bar, the wine, the chips and tortillas … I thought I was doing well until the evening, but really the whole day my choices just sort of snuck up on me.

I always walk away thinking I’m doing better than I really am. That’s always what gets me, and why I don’t wear smaller clothes. I write this to illustrate that little things will sneak up on you, that at the end of the day all of those little bites or cheats or treats can and will add up, which is why we should use discretion when selecting when and for what we’ll bend the rules. I should have either skipped the break room muffin, the afternoon latte, or both. I should have made a solid dinner at home before subjecting myself and Squish to stressful evening shopping. When I was beat, I should have splurged on a me-time bath or doing my nails or reading my new Running magazine instead of parking in front of the TV with a half bottle of wine.

I think I mentioned the other day how since I started training for my marathon, I’ve been really diligent about getting all of my workouts in. I’ve also really taken a hard look at how I fuel myself and trying to make changes for the better. Two weeks of doing pretty awesome, and last night I just totally retracted to old habits. What I feel bad about is that I didn’t do myself any favors, and I definately didn’t do good for Squish. It was a trying night for both of us, and if I had been responsible when I got home instead of wrapped up in my self-imposed timeline and restrictions, I still would have accomplished everything I set out to do and we both would have been happier, and healthier.

Also, when I think I’m doing good, that’s when I am in danger. I loosen up. I think I can “splurge”. I’ve earned it, I can handle it, even though it’s only been two weeks. But I’m not there yet. I need to be consistent for a good chunk of time, months or so, before I can handle off-roading. This is something Hulk is always alluding to, but I always brush him off. I need to keep this in mind. On this particular leg of my journey to health, I need to be wary of and keep at arms’ length the treats and temptations that derail my efforts.

I’m glad I got this out. It was uncomfortable for me to admit all my “wrong-doings”, but if I am not honest here, I won’t see these patterns in the future. I am so grateful I have this little space to get these things out and start connecting the pieces I need for success. Next time, I will take care of myself better.

Anyway, this was a long and boring post. If you made it to the end, thank you, but what is wrong with you? 🙂 You don’t have to answer that. But you can answer me this: when you’ve had a long or trying day, what are your bad-habit tendancies to fall into, or what good-habit things do you like to indulge in?

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3 thoughts on “Confessions: What Really Happened Last Night

  1. Well, today is day one of my Paleo Challenge (essentially a whole56, eek :D) and last week I seriously binged so hard that I felt ill most of the week. Last night was the crowning glory of my fat week when I was laying in bed, hungover from day drinking and super stuffed from a giant burrito… I felt so awful that I was seriously debating making myself throw up. Wow, that’s gross reading that all typed out! You are not alone!

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