When It Seems Like It’s Not Working

Some days are better than others. We need both the upsides and the downsides. The bad stuff helps make the good stuff better, while the good stuff keeps us motivated and moving on.

I have to remind myself of this when I’m having a bad day. And I feel silly for having a bad day because really, what do I have to complain about? I live in a baller place, love my job, have a loving and adorable family, friends that are hilarious and always have got my back … but still I sometimes just want to give up on life.

I suppose every big deal in life is a result of a thousand little things finally adding up. It feels like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, only to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. I (in my head) try so hard. I want to make lasting changes. I buy the expensive, organic food (and get scolded by my “accountant” Hulk about the grocery budget); I wake up at 5am to work out, or I turn right around after coming home from a long day at work against the protests of my toddler who missed me all day to hit the gym; I turn down invites to visit friends for a social drink so I can go to bed early, so I can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. I chop, cook, clean in the morning and chop, cook, clean at night. I’ve been doing this for over a year. Not consistently, though, and this is what is killing me. I haven’t changed in over a year from when I started out on this journey. I weigh the same, I lift the same, I still have the same ailments that I was trying to fix over a year ago. It almost makes me want to quit.

And why? Why has nothing changed? Because I go gung-ho awesome sauce for a few weeks, then I jump off the wagon face-first into a bag of candy. I always either have the diet part down, or the exercise part down, but heaven help me I can never do both at the same time. I try all sorts of alternative stress relief methods – aromatherapy baths, yoga, talking to friends – but I haven’t found a better stress coping mechanism that works as well as food does. So when shit hits the fan, or I’m having a bad day, or I am exhausted from not getting enough sleep (East Coast travel schedule, I’m looking at you), my resolve crumbles and making bad choices sound more soothing than making good ones. Even though I KNOW that I’m sabotaging all of my good progress and I KNOW that if I made good choices I will feel much better in the long run and I KNOW that by “going rogue” I’m just setting myself up for failure over and over again. But if I KNOW then why do I DO it? Why do I choose to make it so that I have to push that boulder up again tomorrow?

I really don’t have the answer. I really wish I did.¬†

I read an embarrassingly large amount of blogs, articles, and books on health and weight loss. I should be an expert in the field. I think I know so damn much about what (I believe) makes you fat, sick, and tired, and yet I cannot practice what I preach. I try to stay positive. I cut out negative thinking, that tomorrow is another day and I’m worth it and change takes time. Blah blah blah. I haven’t had these thoughts in my head in years, but lately stuff like “you’re not going to make it” and “just give up” keep creeping in. I don’t know what to do with this. I fight it. I tell myself that it’s not true, and I just need to keep moving along. But on occasion, I give in to these thoughts. I allow myself to “feel the feels” and just let the negativity in. I get a good cry out, and although I still feel sad, I don’t feel so stressed and pressured, like I’m trying to keep a tiger contained in a cardboard cage. Tiger’s out, now let’s just deal with the tiger.¬†Maybe it’s okay to be negative once in a while, as long as it doesn’t become the norm.

Anyway, those are my thoughts of the morning. Sorry for the lame boring word-y post.