Can I confess something? Lately I’ve been more and more afraid about blogging. Which is stupid, I know, but I want to have my blog express my desire to unabashedly put myself out there all “here I am” in a blaze of sass and style. But what I feel like I actually put out there pales in comparison to what I really want to do. For a lot if reasons, fear being one of them.
See, I’m trying to do a lifestyle blog. And in my head I am living my own version of healthy. But when I look back on my days, I can’t imagine anyone would believe me. I’m living this weird hybrid of paleo/”healthy” SAD/whatever the hell I want, and I just feel weird about it. On one hand, who cares. This is how I live, this is what I do. On the other hand, what message am I sending? What is my goal in all this? To show you can eat fried shrimp and still feel like a normal human? How it’s hard to work and tend kiddos and travel and eat right/exercise but you do what you can because that’s what you have to do? I could try harder. But on a deep level, I don’t wanna. I’m doing good with where I’m at, a good balance between hanging in there and not feeling stressed about being too far one way or the other.
I guess there’s a little comparison trap in there, too. I follow folks that have green on their plate every meal, awesome “OOTD” posts (outfit of the day for all of your social media misfits; don’t feel bad, that one took me a few weeks to decipher), contribute to all the fun link-ups and still have engaging, original content. And the Tweeting. Who has time to Tweet?!? That’s not me. I barely have the time for the “oh crap, I should post now,” throw it in the iPhone app with some blurry pictures and hope it reads coherently. Because that’s me.
I guess in my head I want this blog to be one thing, but in reality it’s something completely different. It’s just an extension of me. It’s my lifestyle, it’s what’s in my head, it’s a reflection of my life and how I choose to live it.
I don’t use a photo editor. 90% of my posts are written on my phone while standing on the commuter train because there are no more empty seats. I don’t post “healthy” food, and I don’t take enough pictures to properly document festive occasions such as birthdays and baby updates. I wish I could, but at the end of the day that’s not what I make time for. Instead, I sit and chat with Hulk for an hour in the evening before dinner, catching up on our day and some alone time to decompress. I sit with Squish watching “Cars” for the seventh time that day or help him race his trains across the kitchen floor. I don’t photoshop, I don’t scour the internet for interesting articles to share. I live my life, and when I can I blog about it.
At first pass, I feel “blog guilt” about it. I should be doing more, but at the end of the day I just choose to spend my time doing other things (like catching up on sleep). So in a sense, this blog is totally 100% authentically me, in a “here it is, take it or leave it,” way. Because that is who I am, and really, at the end of the day, that is what I want to be on this blog.
Thank you to Amanda at Running with Spoons for the Thinking Out Loud Thursday link-up opportunity!