You may have noticed that I’ve been a bit absent from Blog Land lately. It hasn’t been intentional. I am constantly composing posts in my head or taking pictures of stuff thinking, “this will be the day I post!” only to let another day slip by. And the more time that goes by, the harder it is to really compose something that I really want the world to see. The past few months have been the most magical and the hardest months I have lived through.
Since being diagnosed with postpartum depression, I have gone through a roller coaster of symptoms and a feeling of all the feels. Most days I can function pretty well, and every now and then I have a great day. But then there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, when I cry for no apparent reason other than it just seems like a good idea. I think things like I’m a bad mom, or it doesn’t matter what I do because I’m worthless anyway. Really bad, horribly depressing thoughts. The worst part is that it’s really hard to talk about it. I know that it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, and that it’s not “me.” Postpartum depression is a very common side effect of having a baby (I’ll take “Things No One Tells You About Parenthood for $1000,” Alex) and there are a lot of resources out there that can help.
The thing is, when you’re truly depressed reaching out for help is nearly impossible. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, I was doing everything I could to push everyone away. It took a really bad day with a lot of encouragement from my husband to tell myself to pick up the phone and call my doctor, that I needed to get help and waiting for it to go away on its own wasn’t happening for me.
So now that I’m getting treatment, I’m sort of into this self-healing thing. I’m trying to be very mindful of my internal dialogue and what sort of “tapes” I tend to play myself that may not be reality. I’m trying to get back into running again because I know that a good run always did wonders for my mental state. And I’m really censoring what media I take in. Sometimes the most innocuous blog post or trashy reality TV show can really pull me into a dark spiral for inexplicable reasons. I don’t want to hide from the world, but I recognize I need time to repair and get my bearings back.
And now because I hate leaving a heavy post out there, here’s a cute baby picture to cleanse your palate.
Can’t go wrong with a chunky baby picture.
I haven’t been posting a lot of pictures of Squish lately, because half of the time he’s out with the nanny, and the other half of the time he’s a blur of 3-year-old activity and I can’t get a good shot out of him. I have to bribe him with the iPad to get him to sit still.
He takes chillin’ out with the iPad to a whole new level.
Go make it a great day!