The Last 90 Days: A Challenge

How is it October already?? I have to admit, September was a complete blast for me. It’s quickly becoming my most favorite month of the year. The summer starts to drift to fall, the sunrises and sunsets are gorgeous, all of the new school activities are in full swing, and it’s what I now lovingly refer to as my “Em-dependence Day,” the day I became a fully-functioning adult!

Moving Day! Sept 23, 2017

I’ve recently been turned on to Rachel Hollis and her new book “Girl, Go Wash Your Face.” If you haven’t heard of it, I highly recommend you check it out! Rachel has a unique brand of tough love that can really get you fired up and ready to live your life! She is currently hosting a challenge called “The Last 90 Days,” where you put the same focus, passion, and fire into the last 90 days of the year as you had done right after the new year. Because the year isn’t over yet, y’all, and even if your January resolutions crashed and burned, who says you can’t dust them off in October and give it another go? So I signed up for the challenge. Because I love me a good challenge. 😉

It’ll be quite the trip, and you should come with me! You can sign up on Rachel’s website, thechicsite.com and get more info there. Or you can just follow me along on my journey, you Damian Lurker you.

Ready to start? Or at least got your popcorn ready to sit back and observe the floundering chaos that I’m about to perform for you? Great! I’ll see you tomorrow with my weekly update.

Go make it a great day!

Drinking the CrossFit kool-aid: My Level 1 Trainer Seminar Weekend

Holy smokes, you guys! Labor Day weekend was a complete whirlwind of excitement and goodness for me this year.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I had nothing planned for the long holiday weekend, and the kids were scheduled to hang with their dad. I realized that this was a fabulous opportunity to find some thing wild and crazy to do, just for me. I contemplated taking a mini-vacation, but when I browsed local resorts and vacation spots I wasn’t really feeling it. Then my random bunny-trail clicking brought me to the CrossFit website, and I remembered that it had been a long-time bucket list item of mine to go for my Level 1 training certification. There were no seminars near me, but the one listed in Park City, UT came up. Some quick Googling and researching the available airline miles I had available, and I realized that a weekend in Park City was totally do-able. So I took a deep breath and booked my spot in the seminar!

Now, I’ve been basically out of Cross-Fit since last October. I’ve taken a couple of classes on occasion, but I haven’t been a consistent attendee for quite some time. Even though I’ve tried to keep up on my own at home and I’m now running 5k’s quite consistently, I am incredibly out of shape compared to where I was before. A small part of me was super intimidated and nervous for even considering that I could get my CF-L1. Who do I think I am, when there’s people out there way more fit and dedicated than I am? Even as  I walked through the doors of CrossFit Park City on the first day, I was extremely nervous.

And of course since I was nervous, I arrived super early and super caffeinated. Then as I was sitting in the lecture area awaiting for check-in to start, one of the CF Seminar coaches came up to welcome us and give us instructions, and my jaw totally dropped to the floor. It was Margaux Alvarez, six-time CrossFit Games athlete and winner of last year’s marathon row event! I was in complete fan girl shock, and I’m not certain exactly what the instructions were that she gave us, because after she said, “Hi everyone! Welcome …” my ears just sort of stopped working. I just blindly shuffled in line with the other attendees while my brain slowly started putting myself back together.

Once everyone was checked in and assembled, we started the seminar. And OMG you guys, the first day was just a blur of information and total CrossFit geeking out. I was drinking from a fire hose of information about methodology, CrossFit terminology, and technique and I was loving every second of it. We alternated between sit-down lectures and workshops for walking through the basic functional movements in terms of both executing and coaching them. In addition to Margaux, there were four other elite CrossFit coaches that cycled through the lecture portions and the hands-on workshops, and they were all so awesome in both knowledge and personality. Some were even “CrossFit OGs” that trained with Coach Glassman back in the early days. They say that CrossFit coaches are some of the best in the world, and while I have no basis for comparison I would have to agree!

After Day 1 closed out, the weather was so beautiful that I decided to find a local hiking trail to explore Park City for a bit. Fortunately, there was a series of mountain biking trails just behind the gym, so I had myself a little hike and allowed all of the knowledge and materials from the day swirl and settle in my brain as I enjoyed the gorgeous scenery.

Meanwhile, I think pretty much anyone who has attended a CF-L1 seminar has said this, but who’d’ve thought you could get sore from PVC air squats??

I hobbled into Day 2 sore but ready for more. It was more lecture and workshop, followed by the exam at the end. And I was super nervous for the trainer exam. Because exam. By the afternoon lecture my brain was so full, and the 7,000 ft elevation was starting to get to me. Who was the genius that decided to go to a fitness seminar at altitude? I just kept slugging water and feeling relieved that I’ll be back at sea level in SF by bedtime, though a little disappointed because I just wanted to live here in CrossFit Land forever! It felt like too soon they started passing out the exams. They take a few days to score and get back, so as of the time of writing this post I haven’t received my exam results back yet so I’m not sure how I did. I went through moments of “this is cake; I am so CrossFitty!” to “Holy crap, why didn’t I study more?” so I really don’t know how I scored. But we had a nice wrap-up, took some pictures, and then I blasted back to the airport to catch my flight home.

Overall it was an amazing weekend! I highly encourage anyone who likes to geek out on CrossFit to try it sometime, even if you have no real aspirations to train, or don’t think you’re “in shape” enough, it doesn’t matter! The Level 1 seminar gives you so much more background on the whys and hows of CrossFit, and it’s a great way to meet like-minded people from all over. And the trainers are incredible! A huge thanks to Brent, Michelle, Margaux, Gene, and Doug for their great lectures, informative breakouts, and knowledge sharing for a topic where the passion and commitment runs deep. I can’t say enough good things about it!

Go make it a great day!

Getting Off the Couch: A 3-Step Plan to Get Moving

Hello!

So, yesterday I started talking about rewriting unhelpful patterns that I recognized were keeping me from doing the things I know I want to do. And I started thinking more about specifically what are the themes that keep popping up for me, and what have I started to put in place to keep those situations from thwarting my good intentions? So to be extra helpful, I’ve collected the three big things that I find always throw me for a loop, and how I’m changing my mindset to see these challenges differently. I hope this is useful to you!

This August I set myself a goal for incorporating some sort of healthy movement every day for the month, and so far I’m hitting about 50%, which I consider a win since I think in July I worked out maybe four times. My life is kind of crazy so I give myself a lot of wiggle room when it comes to achievable goals, but I also know how easy it is for me to pull out Ye Olde Book o’ Excuses and thumb through until I find one that allows me to Netflix & Beer it. There are certain scenarios, when provided at a moment of peak weakness (i.e. stressed, hungry, possibly surrounded by children), that cause me to cast my growth-mindset priorities aside for the familiar and comfy.

And we’ve all been there. Possibly repeatedly. Maybe you set your alarm to hit that 5:30 am class, but now that it’s 5:00 am you’re like, “Meh, sleep is healthy, too.” Or you told yourself that you’d go for a run after work, but now that you’ve walked through the door the kids are crawling all over you and your spouse just handed you the baby and it looks like you are now putting on the Parenting hat instead, and isn’t family time important, anyway? Or perhaps your yoga buddy cancelled because their parents are in town, and the idea of packing up and going to class alone has lost its appeal. Despite our best efforts, it’s so easy for Life to derail our fitness plans. Not to mention bed is so cozy in the morning, and the couch is so comfy after work!

But if you’re like me and circumstances have made it easy to throw in the towel for the day, it’s always so much harder to pick things up again tomorrow. Not to mention the disappointment of “I would have felt so much better now if I had gotten my run in this morning” realization. So what can Current Me do to help Future Me keep my commitments? I have shared below a few strategies that I have been using successfully, so take a look, keep what you like, and leave the rest!

For When Bed is Too Cozy

On those days when I feel too lazy, or I just don’t want to get up out of my chair and change gears, I pull out Mel Robbins’s “5-second rule” for this one. The 5-Second Rule is pretty simple: based on the premise that it takes your brain 5 seconds to decide to do something, you simply tell yourself mentally, “5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … Go” and immediately get up to do the thing, no thinking about it. This is great for when I’m trying to get out of bed in the morning, when I walk in through the door at work and need to change into my gym clothes, or when I have a home workout scheduled and am procrastinating on starting. It’s so simple, it just works!

For When Expectation Doesn’t Meet Reality

I tend to get in my head the “perfect” scenario – the perfect yoga class, the perfect run, the perfect lift – and if my circumstances or energy level are anything less than my perfect idea of what I want to have happen, then I tend to make excuses on why it’s not meant to be right now. I drank a few too many beers last night, so I know I’ll feel lousy at Bodypump this morning. My legs are super sore from lunges yesterday, so if I go on a run I know I’ll feel sluggish. I accidentally fall back asleep after my alarm, and now I’ll be 10 minutes late for my early morning yoga class. I forgot my hair tie. Nothing disastrous (well, except for maybe forgetting a hair tie), just when my idea of what was supposed to happen doesn’t meet what actually happens. It’s easy to use minor setbacks as convenient excuses to say, “Oh, darn! Maybe not today, then.” But don’t let the perfect become the enemy of the good. Accept that feeling bloated and sluggish at Bodypump is going to be a thing after last night’s happy hour, and that’s just fine. Go for a recovery hike instead of a run if you’re that sore. Show up to yoga late; it happens, and as long as you’re quiet and respectful in settling the worst you’ll get is a possibly a judgy side-eye from Judgy McJudgerson Pretzel Woman, and who cares what she thinks, anyway? Take the minor setbacks to demonstrate further proof of your commitment, and build up some self-efficacy in the process. We can do hard things!

For when plans change

You had plans to go for a walk on your lunch break and your boss just handed you an issue that’s on fire. Your Pilates-then-pinot buddy is stuck in traffic and said to go without them. You had a run planned but it’s now raining, or your bike has a flat. Similar to letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, a last-minute wrench in the plans can provide an enticing opportunity to allow fate to deal you another blow in your resolve. But we’re stronger than that, aren’t we? Take a deep breath, assess the new situation, and make a new plan. Maybe the stars have truly aligned out of your favor and a workout just isn’t going to happen today, and that’s okay. But if you can schedule your work walk at 3pm instead of lunchtime, bravely solo it to Pilates, or use the rainy day or flat tire as an opportunity to try out that new dance class you’ve been meaning to check out, then you’re proving to yourself your commitment, even when it would be easy to quit.

Do you have any other scenarios or tips you use to overcome obstacles in your habits building?

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Go make it a great day, friends!

So Done: Rewriting Unhelpful Patterns

So, I treadmilled last night.

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I didn’t really want to. I mean, who wants to run on a treadmill when there’s the whole outside to run in? But I really, really felt like moving my body in some way, and I had Buttercup with me so running outside wasn’t an option. I also didn’t really want to pay the $5 for childcare at the gym, and it was getting late in the evening and I knew we wouldn’t make it to CrossFit in time. So, I put on my run gear, handed Buttercup her tablet to keep her occupied, and did my run on the treadmill in the apartment gym. We got it done, and treated ourselves to sushi afterwords.

Honestly, I was sort of surprised at myself. Who is this woman?!? Normally I would look at the clock and say, “Whelp, I guess a workout isn’t happening tonight!” and go watch Netflix. But I’m sort of tired of being that person. To be clear, there’s certainly nothing wrong with foregoing a workout for downtime, and I do enjoy those nights where I spontaneously clear my calendar and turn my to-do list over so I can veg out and stop thinking about responsible things for awhile. But I found that “Ignore All the Things” has been becoming less about de-stressing and more about an unhealthy coping mechanism for me. And I don’t like it.

So I’ve been noticing all the reasons that inspire me to let my healthy habits slide – a late night, a grumpy mood, an unexpected engagement that throws my schedule off – and how I choose to respond to those stimuli. And so much of it is about just not being prepared. So I’m slowly figuring out what systems no longer serve me, and rewriting them. I mean, this is what I do for a living, guys – process engineering. And yesterday, the first thought system to be rewritten is “It’s too hard to work out when I have the kids home.” Because I totally figured out how to get a decent run in, spend time with my kiddo, and still have a great evening together.

What patterns in your behavior are you so done with? Any thought systems or other systems in your life you want to set out to rewrite?

Go make it a great day, friends!

Food Police: Be Your Own Health Advocate

The other day a friend posted an article on Facebook about the latest nutrition “news”. My eyes couldn’t roll back in my head hard enough. It wasn’t as much about the content of the article – yet another study has come out saying coconut oil is unhealthy for you, like all saturated fats you know – but of this underlying message that there is a “right” way and a “good” way to eat.

Can we just stop with the food morality?

Food is not “good” or “bad”. It is not “healthy” and “unhealthy.” Depending on your context, however, it can do good things or damaging things to you personally. But what’s good for one person isn’t necessary good for all people.

Some do better on a plant-based diet. Some bodies respond well to a high-fat diet. Some delight in peanut butter while it would literally kill someone else. The thing is what we decided to put in our bodies is no one’s business but our own. And it’s up to us to pay attention, listen to our body, and give it what it needs. No one can tell you what’s best but you.

You are your best health advocate.

That’s all of my ranting for now, go make it a great day!

There Is No Wagon

I had an absolute meltdown the other morning. A wonderful meltdown, because it led me to a wonderful revelation. For quite a few weeks now I’ve been trying to get back into a regular exercise routine. For me, the strategy is to incorporate it into a routine part of my day so that it becomes habit for me, a no-brainer that I don’t need to think about. And the most logical place for me is to plug it into my morning, first thing. I get up, brush my teeth, drink some water, then hit the gym or run. And it’s been a great way to start my day.

However, there is one little thing that keeps derailing my “exercise every day” goal. And that little thing is my little daughter. On the days I have my kids, my 3-year-old usually wakes up sometime in the middle of the night and makes her way to my bed. If I’m not in bed with her when she wakes up, she hunts me down and cries and fusses and generally starts the day off with a meltdown.

Now ideally – and this is what so many other parents are able to successfully do – I try to get up way before my kids wake up so I can get a home workout in before the house starts stirring and demanding attention. This should be easy. However, every time I gently roll out of bed and tip-toe downstairs to sneak outside to the cold, dusty patio, I’ll just be loading weights on my bar when a frantic, sobbing 3-year-old in Paw Patrol jammies launches herself at me accusing, “I didn’t know where you were! You were gone! I was so scared!”

I mean, how do you even respond to that?

And so I hold her and I console her, and usually I take her back to bed with me, because it is still ridiculously early for her. I coax her back to sleep for an hour or so while I just lay there next to her, wide awake and in my gym gear, my feelings ping-ponging between the love and comfort of snuggling my little one to bed, and seething in resentment that can’t I just have this one time to myself to get my stuff done? I mean, she owns me all throughout the day, is it too much to ask if I have from 9pm until 6am to myself??

And so here I was, laying in bed next to my tiny daughter, and it suddenly occurred to me that she’s almost 4 years old. And her brother is almost 7. And she’ll grow out of this eventually, this crawl-in-mommy’s-bed-every-night habit. And I know I’m going to miss it so hard.

In another year or so she’ll be fine and won’t be climbing into my bed every night. And then I get sad that she won’t always be this small, dependent, and cuddly. Do I really want to give up these quiet mornings of snuggles and closeness for exercise? Am I prepared to start paying the cost of having my kids need me less?

I don’t know if I’m really ready for that yet, because I know it’ll come sooner than I’m prepared for. Soon they’ll be requesting slumber parties with their friends, asking me to drop them off at school around their corner so their friends won’t see me. They’ll stop giving me hugs and kisses and start hiding behind closed doors and giving me one-word “grunt” answers to “how’s your day been?” They’ll be dating. Breaking curfew. Planning for college. Then one day moving out and holy crap I’ll be an empty-nester and then I’ll totally have all the time in the world to exercise anytime for as long as I want!

So to the moms of small children out there who struggle to find time to take care of yourselves and feel guilty about it: if you can’t find the time to consistently exercise and it is stressing you out, that is totally and completely okay to just not work out. You are not indifferent to your health, lazy, or uncommitted. And if you can’t give yourself permission to not feel guilty about not having “structure” or “a routine”, then let me give it to you. You have the permission to drop the idea that you need to work out every day if trying to fit it into a day that already starts too early, ends too late, and has approximately zero amount of self-care time built in is causing you stress and shame. Because this is just a phase of life and This Too Shall Pass. Soon you will sleep through the night again, have time in the evening to cook a real meal and even maybe sit down to a TV show uninterrupted or be able to go to the bathroom alone. I know, right?? Such dreams. But it’ll happen someday.

Now, I’m not saying never work out. When you have the opportunity, seize it! Had the baby off to the other parent, and jet off to the gym. Use a lunch break to squeeze in a run. And when you can get it done, relish it and feel good that your doing something good for yourself. But don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not doing enough, that you need to “get with the program” or “get back on the wagon,” because I’ll tell you a secret …

There is no wagon.

So just do what you can, let go of what you can’t, and just live your life. Because if you can find the happy and joy, you get to model how to be happy and joyous to your impressionable little ones who are always watching, and isn’t that what parenting is really all about?

And the little kid snuggles are so, so worth it.

Go make it a great day, friends!

Just Stop Already

It’s another beautiful day in the neighborhood.

I hadn’t worked out in almost a week, so I blasted to the park the other morning for a quick run before I clocked into work. It was a glorious 3 miles, and it felt so good to get my body moving again. I drove the kids up to Oregon for the week, and both work and all the smoke from the wildfires kept me from getting my run on. I am also way overdue for a drop-in to CrossFit GP, so I totally owe you guys! 😉

In other CrossFit news, my L1 certification is only two weeks away! Eek! I also realized that I chose to attend a fitness certification in the mountains. At altitude. And I am a coastal girl. This won’t be painful at all. No worries, it’ll just be two days of sucking wind under a pvc pipe, what could possibly go wrong?

Also coming up, the kids start school next week! Squish has leveled up to First Grade (!!) and will be attending the same local elementary school as last year. I’ve chatted with him about it, and he seems pretty nonchalant about the upcoming year. Buttercup has me a little concerned. She’s starting a brand new school this year, since her current one is closing. While some of her friends will be moving to the school with her, I know she’s had a really rough year as it is with all the changes in her little life (PSA: divorce is hard on everyone, yo) and transitions have never been her forte. I’m anticipating a few rough weeks of tear-streaked drop offs until she settles back in to the new-new-NEW normal. But kids are resilient, and I’m almost certain I’ll have a harder time with it than she will.

Stop growing up. Just stop already.

That’s all from my side of the mountain, have a most wonderful week, and go make it a great day!

Guess Who’s Back

You guys, I went and did it.

2018-08-01 CrossFit Cert

I signed up to take my CrossFit Level 1 Coaching Certification!

This has been on my bucket list for a while, and I noticed I had no kids and no plans yet for Labor Day weekend. So I got inspired to check out the CrossFit website and see when the next certification weekends were taking place. While I didn’t find any within the Bay Area, I did see that there was one in Park City, UT that weekend. What if I made a fun weekend of it? Cashing in some of my airline miles and a quick Airbnb reservation later, and I’m going to CrossFit Camp in the mountains over Labor Day!

Meanwhile, I haven’t been to CrossFit in over 3 months. And I took a break for what seems to me like the silliest reason – my ex-husband still attends the gym, and I just didn’t want to run into him. Even though I’m a morning exerciser and he has set days in the evenings that he goes, I still felt icky-weird when I walked in for my usual 6am class and saw his name on the board from yesterday’s WOD. But I really, really missed it. At home I would lift on my patio when the mood struck me, I signed up at the local 24Hour Fitness, and I picked up running again. I looked into maybe attending at another gym, but they’re all a good half hour drive from my home, and I know that turning a 1-hour time commitment into a 2-hour time commitment will not work for me. But I miss MY gym. I miss the intensity, the community, and the variety. I miss being pushed to develop skills that I just don’t think to do on my own. I miss the expertise and knowledge of the coaches, having that resource available to advise on a modification or teach a new mobility exercise.

I knew I wanted to get back to the gym. My gym. And I know that it’s a small town, and I can’t be able to avoid the ex forever. So I worked really, really hard to clear out my stuff. I went to therapy, support groups, and classes when I could. I read books, developed my own “Divorce Recovery” program, and worked it one day at a time. I knew that I wanted to get on the other side of this beast with love and compassion for all involved. And I wasn’t perfect. The snarky text to him would slip on occasion. I found myself in the victim role more than a few times. But every time I would reset my focus on the goal to get on the other side with love and compassion.

After doing this work for several months, I went back to CrossFit last week. I took it easy considering I’ve lost a lot of strength, and it felt great to be in the class again. We did a deadlift-power snatch complex and a 12-min AMRAP with barbell lunges, pike push-ups, and double-unders and my life was complete and thank you and goodnight. And that icky-weird feeling, while still there a little bit, was overpowered by my excitement and satisfaction on being back.

I still have a long way to go and a lot of work left to do, but for now I’m happy with the progress I’ve made. I can start to live my life again and enjoy the things that make me happy. Even if those things mean I have super-sore glutes for like three days 🙂

Go make it a great day, kids!

A Worthy Opponent

(Edit: don’t worry, Mom, everything is fine!)

Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

– Frank Crane

Last week, I recognized that I had slowly sank into a depressive state. It was nothing scary, dramatic, or cause for alarm. I was simply noticing that every morning it was increasingly harder to get out of bed, every day it was tougher to focus at work and to stay on task, and I found myself avoiding texts and calls and flaking on events, preferring to sit alone in silence. As much as I love my alone-time, I could tell that this particular alone-time wasn’t restorative. If you were to talk to me during this time, you would probably have no idea. I’m able to be exuberant and engaging in front of people, then close the door and allow everything to shut down.

It took me a while to recognize this as depression. It feels so different than what I had experienced in the past. Instead of the dark cloud of hopelessness that told me to just give up, this is sort of a blanket of fatigue and fuzziness. It’s warm and comforting but at the same time wholly unnatural. I should want to do things I enjoy doing. I should want to get up and enjoy my peaceful mornings during these long summer days. I should want to call and meet up with my friends. But I simply kept saying “no” to myself. That I was too tired. That it wasn’t the right time. That what I need is to be alone right now. When in all actuality, being alone is the absolute worst thing for depression.

The hardest thing in the world to do when you’re in a depressed state is to reach out. The phone weighs a million pounds, and coffee with a friend is far too daunting of an operation to try and coordinate. You battle the demons that tell you that you’re really okay, and you don’t want to burden anyone else with your troubles, and all your friends are super busy and you’d had to interrupt them. But I know if it were me that my friend is calling and telling me they’re having a rough time, I will drop everything to be there. I know now how important it is. So I made the call, my friend and I had a gorgeous hike as we talked stuff out, and my load feels so much lighter now. I was able to clear some of the space to “do the next right thing,” as Glennon Doyle says.

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And this new-to-me trail we discovered did not suck.

I still have work to do. We always will. And sometimes just picking up the phone and taking that first step to say, “this is really hard right now” is the hardest.

If you suffer from depression, or even from something and you don’t even know (or want to know) what to call it, you’re not alone. It’s a frustrating, deceptive disease that I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to get on top of. I gladly accept this challenge, because I know I am a worthy opponent.

Go make it a great day, kids!

If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, do not hesitate to call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Jet Lag and Playing Small

Hello and happy Wednesday! I’m still recovering from jet lag over here. I just returned from my surprise work trip to Sydney, Australia on Sunday, and though it’s 5:15am here on the U.S. West Coast, my brain and body want me to believe it’s actually 10pm. I am quickly running out of coffee. Send provisions.

But my trip was AMAZING. Most of it was work, but I stayed an extra day so I could do some touristy things. I would have felt shattered if I didn’t travel to the other side of the planet and not see at least ONE koala.

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Also, the hotel I stayed at had hands-down the most awesome hotel gym ever. It was actually a REAL gym/health club that hotel guests could use for free. I forgot how nice it was to have a gym in the same building!

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I am SO NOT COMFORTABLE with public gym pics

Okay, time for some real talk, y’all. The past few years have been tough. I started this blog seven (!!) years ago with the intention of defining myself as a “fitness” person. I thought that if I blogged about my workouts and diet I would magically become all fit and healthy and find a voice and tribe and be a prominent leader in the blogosphere. I absolutely love and enjoy reading blogs, and writing for my own is super fun for me. But I get hung up on the wrong things. I constantly get swept up in the comparison trap, trying to mimic the bloggers I admire when I’ve never been one to fit in any sort of mold. I immediately jump to “oh, I should monetize my blog and try to make money, or it’s not worth my time,” instead of enjoying the process as a hobby for what it is. And worst of all, I get stuck in Impostor Syndrome, feeling that I have nothing of value to share, and “what do I think I know” and “who do I think I am” and all the other crazy negative self talk that comes with trying to lay the guard down and put yourself out there.

The truth is, I think about blogging every. single. day. In my head, I narrate events in my life for a future post. But that post is rarely written. And often, I half-write a draft and it just sits there until it’s no longer relevant and I end up deleting it. I just don’t make the time. And quite honestly, I’m scared to, as well. I’m scared to be real about my struggles and faults and Real Life stuff. Because I don’t like only showing the glossy good days and upsides; it’s not real, and you deserve real. You deserve to read something relatable and authentic, because there’s enough of the “everything is amazing and look how awesome I am” content out there. And the biggest of all, I’m tired of hiding parts of myself. I’m tired of separating and isolating the “personal me” with the “public me” with the “professional me”. While there is a line between what’s personal and what’s intimate, and there is a time and a place for disclosure and sharing, I am tired of being so cautious about how I present myself here, in my own freakin’ space on the internet that I pay for. I shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with who I am and what I’m up to. I’m tired of playing small.

I want to blog more. Whether I actually get down to making the time for it or not is yet to be witnessed. But I wanted to throw it out there, see what the Universe has in mind for this little corner of the internets. Odds are pretty good that I’ll keep writing half-draft posts every month or so that never see the light of day. Or maybe my blog will take a new direction, with whatever inspiration comes my way. Whatever the case, if you made it reading down this far, thank you for hanging in there with me while I sorted out my thoughts.

That was a lot. Here, I will share an amusing meme with you that I had posted to Instagram last week:

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source

Now go make it a great day!