I opened up my Commit30 planner this morning and discovered that I had made it my monthly goal in March to blog daily. It’s already March 4th, y’all.
Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.
So, I’m still recovering from bronchitis. Yesterday I carried a moderately heavy preschooler down the street and didn’t feel like I was hit by a truck afterward, energy-wise, so I think I’m doing better. I hope to make it back to CrossFit this week because OMG my body is going nuts with all of this resting stuff. I am so anxious and antsy and I just want to move.
Last night I went to my sister’s birthday party (Happy Birthday, Amanda!) and because we are actual weirdos she taught me the little dance/warmup routine she choreographed. It was the most exercise I’ve gotten in 3 weeks and it felt amazing. Oh, and in other dance-y exercise news, I for some reason volunteered to teach a dance aerobics class for an upcoming spiritual workshop I’m on a committee for. I am not a dance fitness instructor. And I haven’t actually danced in like 15 years. But I figued, how hard can it be? I’ll throw a playlist together, watch some Zumba and Jazzercise videos on YouTube, and see what happens. Famous last words. Let’s just file this under our “Have Fun With That, Emily!” and y’all can pop some popcorn and watch this train wreck as it unfolds.
Hello and happy Wednesday! I’m still recovering from jet lag over here. I just returned from my surprise work trip to Sydney, Australia on Sunday, and though it’s 5:15am here on the U.S. West Coast, my brain and body want me to believe it’s actually 10pm. I am quickly running out of coffee. Send provisions.
But my trip was AMAZING. Most of it was work, but I stayed an extra day so I could do some touristy things. I would have felt shattered if I didn’t travel to the other side of the planet and not see at least ONE koala.
Also, the hotel I stayed at had hands-down the most awesome hotel gym ever. It was actually a REAL gym/health club that hotel guests could use for free. I forgot how nice it was to have a gym in the same building!
Okay, time for some real talk, y’all. The past few years have been tough. I started this blog seven (!!) years ago with the intention of defining myself as a “fitness” person. I thought that if I blogged about my workouts and diet I would magically become all fit and healthy and find a voice and tribe and be a prominent leader in the blogosphere. I absolutely love and enjoy reading blogs, and writing for my own is super fun for me. But I get hung up on the wrong things. I constantly get swept up in the comparison trap, trying to mimic the bloggers I admire when I’ve never been one to fit in any sort of mold. I immediately jump to “oh, I should monetize my blog and try to make money, or it’s not worth my time,” instead of enjoying the process as a hobby for what it is. And worst of all, I get stuck in Impostor Syndrome, feeling that I have nothing of value to share, and “what do I think I know” and “who do I think I am” and all the other crazy negative self talk that comes with trying to lay the guard down and put yourself out there.
The truth is, I think about blogging every. single. day. In my head, I narrate events in my life for a future post. But that post is rarely written. And often, I half-write a draft and it just sits there until it’s no longer relevant and I end up deleting it. I just don’t make the time. And quite honestly, I’m scared to, as well. I’m scared to be real about my struggles and faults and Real Life stuff. Because I don’t like only showing the glossy good days and upsides; it’s not real, and you deserve real. You deserve to read something relatable and authentic, because there’s enough of the “everything is amazing and look how awesome I am” content out there. And the biggest of all, I’m tired of hiding parts of myself. I’m tired of separating and isolating the “personal me” with the “public me” with the “professional me”. While there is a line between what’s personal and what’s intimate, and there is a time and a place for disclosure and sharing, I am tired of being so cautious about how I present myself here, in my own freakin’ space on the internet that I pay for. I shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with who I am and what I’m up to. I’m tired of playing small.
I want to blog more. Whether I actually get down to making the time for it or not is yet to be witnessed. But I wanted to throw it out there, see what the Universe has in mind for this little corner of the internets. Odds are pretty good that I’ll keep writing half-draft posts every month or so that never see the light of day. Or maybe my blog will take a new direction, with whatever inspiration comes my way. Whatever the case, if you made it reading down this far, thank you for hanging in there with me while I sorted out my thoughts.
That was a lot. Here, I will share an amusing meme with you that I had posted to Instagram last week:
The other morning I sat on my bed and scrolled through Instagram for an hour. Yes, an hour. An hour I didn’t really have to spare, of course. I know it was a whole hour because at one point I looked at the clock and it was 5:30 am and when I looked up again it was 6:30 am. And aren’t I the one always complaining how I never have enough time? And when I checked in with myself and how I felt, I found that while I intended to be inspired and energized by taking a peek at what my friends and social media girl crushes are up to, I found myself feeling behind the game and flat. This was not the way I had intended on tackling my day.
With everything happening with my life lately, I’ve tried to be hyper-conscious of my attempts to numb or hide from things, so I don’t start down that slow slide to depression and isolation I know I have a tendency to head towards. I cut back on alcohol, I try to stay checked in with family and friends, and I try to read instead of watch TV. But I am catching myself more and more picking up my phone and gravitating to my social media apps when I feel uncomfortable, anxious, or bored. And I end up feeling sort of icky with all of the media consumption this results in. Politics, scandals, and social unrest leave me feeling helpless and confused, and I’m forever in a state of processing what I just absorbed. Don’t I have enough going on mentally and emotionally to be voluntarily jumping in the game of “What Facebook Memes Will Piss Me Off Today?” roulette? There’s being informed, and then there’s bingeing on Buzzfeed articles from amusing Pinterest posts. Time to find where that line is.
So for this month, I decided to set my absorption of social media aside, and instead focus more on creating content instead of consuming it. I internally lament all the time that I never have time to blog and write. Well, with hours spent mindlessly scrolling Facebook every day, imagine how much I could get out there if I used that time to put out my own content instead? This is the season of giving, right? So for me, I’m going to use it to give my voice instead of lurking in the background of online connection. Don’t consume – create!
Better late than never, right? Now that we’re a few days into the month, it’s the perfect time to start pondering what all shiny, exciting accomplishments we might have a scarce chance of achieving before we crack out on Halloween candy and celebrate my birth-month of November. My birthday’s on November 1st, but it sneaks up on you, so I find it’s best to stick in some extra celebratiousness just in case it blows by too fast, you know?
My big, hairy, scary goal for October is to blog more. In all my free time.
Mostly because I want to talk about CrossFit more, and my friends and family are afraid for me. Or maybe tired of hearing about it, I can never tell if those are looks of panic or concern. So I’m going to blog more about CrossFit. Which means I should, like, keep going to the gym so I have stuff to talk about. Which is a good transition to my next goal:
CrossFit more. Right now I’m going about 3 times a week, and I think I can squeeze in another class as long as I stay on top of my recovery and sleep and food and life and stuff. Should be do-able, right? Plus, my gym offers specialty classes in Olympic lifting and yoga an other stuff I want to take advantage of. I know Hulk mentioned he wants to go more often, so I think if we blend our collective motivations together we will become the most unstoppable CrossFit bores ever. Sorry not sorry.
I’m also going to keep plugging away at my 2016 CrossFit Goals. I am particularly interested in learning more of what I like to call Stupid Human Tricks, like HSPU and muscle-ups, of which I am so far, far, far away from doing but it’s going to be so awesome once I can finally land them. But first, pike push-ups and negative pull-ups all. the. time.
Finally, since I will hopefully be ending my September Whole30 on Monday, I’ll start a legit reintroduction protocol and plan out my “Life After” in a sustainable way where I can enjoy the things I missed (beer!) in a way that doesn’t make me dive head first into Safeway sheet cake and go back to feeling the craptasticalness I felt prior to this round.
Sounds easy enough, right? And of course now that I’ve announced all this and planned it out I shall spend the next 27 days not doing anything to get me to any of these goals. Being a “Rebel” is so fun.
Some days, I feel so on top of the world, that there is nothing I can’t do or figure out. This is not one of those days. Why does technology have to go and make me feel like such an idiot? My only comfort is knowing that I am totally not alone in this sentiment. I’m confident of this, since I work support in the tech industry. It’s okay people; your support engineer has those days where they can’t get their computer to start only to find it’s not plugged in, too. Or something like that.
I want to start a new blog. With the new fall season and all of my blog-worthy interests evolving the past few months, and the fact that I love to start new projects, I thought a blog that was more CrossFit and fitness-focused would be fun. Not that I can’t talk about CrossFit and fitness here, but I’m a bit OCD when it comes to content and I prefer to keep things organized. ERTR started out as a running blog, but then I stopped running. And then I had another baby. And then I started putting myself back together after baby. Now I feel like I’m ready to start a new chapter with blogging, and I felt that a shiny, new blog would be the right way to do it.
But could that be easy? No. Mostly because I’m an idiot and I don’t know how the World Wide Web works, apparently. Because who wants to research and read about registrar domains and stuff? Can’t I just fire up a new WordPress site and go?
I had a feeling I was jumping into it too quickly. Because once I get an idea in my head, I have to do it NOW RIGHT NOW. So when I thought, “Hey, I know! Let’s start a new blog!” I have to pick out a name, set up a site, and GO! I wanted my new space to be focused on CrossFit, self-love, and holistic wellness. I thought “Eat, Lift, Love” would be a perfect name. So, while on my phone waiting for BART, I googled and didn’t find any hits so I figured the domain was up for grabs. Which is weird, because I thought that was a pretty good domain name. I jumped on GoDaddy and purchase the domain no problem. I set up a new WordPress site and mapped the domain.
Then I actually googled eatliftlove.com from my computer (not my phone). And someone already has a website at that url. WTH.
Turns out, registrars (the sites that sell and manage domains) can sell you domains already registered with another service. I should have looked up in the WHOIS database to check if the domain was already taken by another service. But I didn’t, because I didn’t know. Now I have to figure out a new domain name. Or I can forget about it and let this little blog evolve with me. That might not be a horrible idea, either. Actually, that requires a lot less effort on my part. And I’m lazy, so let’s do that instead.
False alarm! I don’t have a new website after all. Whew, that was a close one!
I’ve had a bit of “bloggers block” for a while now. I think about blogging frequently throughout the day, then become paralyzed when I actually have time to sit down and write. I’m having a hard time sticking to things, and with my inconsistency I feel silly talking about all of my failed attempts at Whole30, running, and other pet projects I like to announce with little follow up. It’s hard for me to blog when I don’t feel like I have a theme or direction. Sure, I can just blog about life, but it feels too personal to let everyone in to the hot mess that is my daily existence. Although entertaining, I’ll give it that.
Then I had a bit of a freak-out moment the other day at a party when an acquaintance casually mentioned to me, “So I read your blog the other day …” because suddenly I felt so exposed and vulnerable. You READ it? I sort of made up in my head the only people that read this are anonymous internet people, bloggy friends I’ve never met in person, and my mom (hi, Mom!) because otherwise I would never blog. I write this blog because this is the stuff I am not always comfortable talking about with real life humans. But of course it’s public on the internet, I share it on Facebook with people I know in Real Life, so I shouldn’t be surprised when I get Likes and Shares on my Facebook page from relatives and friends or a coworker stumbles across it. But it’s scary. This is who I am in my own head, and it’s hard to let go of the comfortable control I have over it once it’s on the internet. But I know my discomfort is coming from a place I’m trying to work on anyway, that “eww, people” part of me that refuses to be open with others.
So I talked to Hulk about how I felt when people read my blog and how freaked out I am. He calmed me of my worries, and with a laugh mentioned how funny it is that I get so wrapped up thinking about things that nobody cares about. Which made me laugh, because it’s so true. No one cares. Not in a “poor me” sense, but in a “don’t worry about what others think” kind of way. So I write a blog. And people read it. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? I guess it’s the same panic or fear that artists get when unveiling their work. This is who I am, please don’t hate it.
So I’m not consistent. I don’t have perfectly searchable tags on my posts. I probably talk about the same stuff over and over again with no reference. I’m all over the place with daily life posts, pictures of my lunch, dogs and kids, product reviews, other randomness, and proclamations of fun linkups or themes that I promptly forget about. It’s a hot mess. And so is my life. At least that’s consistent! And it’s fun. So as long as everyone is having a good time, let’s party.
Go make it a great day!